Recently I started thinking horrible thoughts of hoplessness. Ive spoken to ALOT of people that have had children and NONE of them have ever experienced what I am experiencing (and I dont even tell them half of it because I fear being pegged as a horrible mother) Ive been told "I SHOULD BE HAPPY TO HAVE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL AND HEALTHY BABY.and that I should just SNAP OUT OF IT". Regardless of the support from my mom and dad I feel very alone and scared (my worst fear is losing my mind and ending up in a phsych ward or permanently on meds). Each day that passes seems like a week for me. I LOVE my little girl but I feel like she is not mine most of the time (like Im simply caring for her for a short period) I miss my old life of being able to do and go wherever I wanted, staying up late, cooking for my BF, traveling, sleeping.watever. He stays up late to feed and change her to allow me to sleep but if I wake I cannot go back to sleep and this frustrates him even more. He tells me that its all in my head and I can get over it anytime I want to. Since he's always seen me so strong he doesnt understand the seriuousness of this.
Our relationship is falling apart and our engagement conversations have stopped. My BF and I are on different schedules so I barely ever see him and when I do I have to put on a fake smile for him when I feel like Im dying inside (he is unsympathetic to weak minded people). This feeling I have is definitly not sadness alone but a mixture of emotions changing by the hour. On certain days I have severe anxiety, I cannot go in public without feeling like im going to die. When I try to nap I can almost HEAR my thoughts! I feel soo disconnected from my daughter and my BF but I go through the motions everyday because I have to. I force myself to eat and drink so that I wont be hospitalized. I sleep about 2 hours a day (once I wake I CANNOT GO BACK TO SLEEP) and cry alot. Since then my symptoms have been getting weirder.I cant slow down my brain to read sentences or truly absorb conversation (hard to concentrate). I am currently taking vitamins ans supplements and they allow me to have one "good day" but thats about it.
I FEEL LIKE IM LOSING MY MIND FULL
They tried to admit me into a phsych ward (with no one to care for my daughter and KNOWING they would just pump me full of lithium or whatever) I refused. I am higly against phsych meds and have always felt worse after taking them. They administered fluids, more ambien and risperdal.I slept really strange and woke the next day only feeling worse. They admitted me for lack of fluids and nutrition. I begged for help so my sis in law took me to the er. At my worst point I hadnt slept at all in 5 days (despite taking ambien, acupuncture and homeo pathics) and I was vomiting and had severe diarhea. My mom is very sick with a spinal disease and could not help much, My BF could sleep through anything so him getting up to help was out of the question (besides.I wasnt sleeping anyways so why couldnt I do it?!) A week passed and we cam home to our brand new townhome (barely moved into) and I began suffering more symptoms. I found myself becoming nauseous with the thought of even having to lay by her bassinette. I mean I COULD NOT TURN OFF MY THOUGHTS! Then the baby would cry and I would have anxiety attacks. I found that I could not stop my mind from going and going. My delivery was nothing out of the ordinary (beside the nerve damage to my leg from the epidural) but a few days after they released me from the hospital I stayed at my moms house and I started to notice insomnia creeping up on me. My family embraced my pregnancy, as did I. When I found out I was pregnant I cried (he was happy) because I had secretly planned on leaving the state to start life a new but figured it was a blessing in disguise. I am usually a very strong and independant 27 year old woman who can handle ANYTHING so it's never really been an issue until now. (Mental health pros are too quick to label people) My BF and I have always had an unconventional relationship but a great friendship.we worked well together but he lacks warmth and emotional atatchment, so we worked and did everything productive together. I was diagnosed with bi polar disorder a few years ago and feel strongly against the diagnosis.
I had my lil girl a little over a month ago and was convinced the way I feel would start to dissapear soon but it hasnt. I am afraid to discuss this with friends or family because it sounds truly horrible. I am hoping to find someone else who is goingor has gone through what I am going through to find some resources or comfort in all this.
0 kommentar(er)
